Focus on the Inside

Physical appearance and being female are conjoined. When you’re a child, the cuteness of your outfit might overshadow your recitation of the alphabet; the fit of your gi may catch more attention than the precision with which you execute the kata you worked so hard to master to reach the next level in karate; your femininity may be judged before your straight As in school are; and when you’re older, your hotness will often predispose someone to assess your ability to carry on an engaging conversation. So, whether you consciously try to or not, you will pursue achieving some standard of beauty, and beat yourself up every time your jeans feel just a little bit tighter or you see a photograph of yourself.

Let’s say you fancy yourself a fairly rational person, and you commit to learning to accept yourself despite your physical flaws—and you succeed. You look in the mirror and you like what you see for the first time in your life. Problem solved, right? Wrong. Nothing else changes. You realize that while you were focusing on the outside, you forgot about the inside. You battled against those who judged your exterior, without seeing that you were guilty of the same behaviour.

I often come across statements meant to inspire, like “Accept yourself for who you are” or “Love yourself as you are.” In general, what do people really mean when they say “accept” or “love” yourself? If you’re a liar and a cheat, are you supposed to accept and love yourself as you are? Let’s be honest; such self-affirmations tend to be about body image.

I’ve been various sizes, and at no time did the shape and girth of my body affect how I lived my life or how I treated others or myself. So, while I advocate loving yourself, I reject the idea that we should accept ourselves as we are. At no point should we stop striving to be better people. And, as I see it, the key to being a better person is to recognize the interconnectedness between yourself and others, and your environment.

The notion of accepting ourselves as we are, besides reflecting superficiality, is born from a harmful individualism. When you see yourself as entirely autonomous, rather than as part of something far greater, it is easy to think negative thoughts, be driven by greed, and feel indifferent toward what is happening to others. You may even cut yourself off from the people you care for the most.

If I know anything, it is that my actions and words affect others, and if I fail to exhibit that awareness, if I don’t show compassion and love, I cannot accept myself as I am, no matter what I look like.