Where is the love?

They say “love conquers all,” and perhaps it does, but I think many of us misunderstand this phrase. North Americans in particular put a lot of emphasis on falling in love and building a monogamous relationship that leads to marriage and lasts forever. So, if this isn’t happening, it can feel like a failure.

Now in my mid-thirties, I’ve seen a lot of friends get married and have children, but I have quite a few friends who are single—some happily so and others not-so-happily so. These are all intelligent, accomplished, attractive people; you’d look at them and think, “Why hasn’t anyone snatched you up yet?”

Making meaningful connections is difficult. It’s not just about the number of people out there with whom you’re compatible; it has a lot to do with how willing you are to open up to others. For my part, I’ll admit that I go through phases: sometimes I’m completely open and receptive to letting people in and sometimes I shut people out. So, I know a little something about this. I also know that there is a difference between the kind of connection you feel immediately and a meaningful connection that keeps you and that other person in each other’s lives. Feeling that draw to someone doesn’t mean you’re destined to remain together; getting there takes time to understand and nurture the relationship, be it platonic or romantic.

When we’re young, the basis of our friendships is largely sheer proximity. Basically, whoever’s in your class or neighbourhood, and isn’t bullying you, can be your friend. And extroverts especially build large networks of friends like this. We introverts, I think, hold back slightly and go through a more rigorous process of selecting from our peers whom we are most likely to get along with. Instead of making friends with the kid sitting next to you, you make friends with the other kid in class who shows an interest in the same thing you like. But as we get older and develop a stronger sense of self, proximity increasingly becomes a less valid criterion for developing bonds. As a result, the pool of peers becomes less attractive.

This is where the Internet offers possibilities. I started chatting with random people online in my first year of university, when the Internet was new to me. I wasn’t looking for people to date or anything; I was just exploring the tools at hand. At the same time, I was meeting lots of different people on campus, but very few of them really struck me as people I’d want to build long-lasting friendships with. The Internet, however, allowed me to speak to people in different parts of the country and the world. That was exciting, and it would eventually change my life. Some of the people with whom I’m the closest today I initially met online. It was refreshing to find people who had similar interests and leanings, as I’d found this lacking in my particular location.

This isn’t to say that the Internet was all wonderful. I encountered some really undesirable characters too. A conversation would start off innocently and then, almost immediately, the person on the other end would be trying to have cyber sex with me. And there were some angry types who would hurl abuse because they disagreed with my political point of view. Today, we call those people trolls, but back in 1999–2000, they were just assholes. With this in mind, it doesn’t surprise me at all that my friends who use apps like Tinder have “dick pics” sent to them regularly. Back in the day, if smartphones had existed, or even if more people had had web cams, I’m sure I would have been sent the same little gifts.

What the Internet offers is the chance to have a (mostly) unfiltered tête-à-tête with someone, unburdened by the judgment and insecurity that can be associated with speaking to a person face-to-face. So, if both parties are genuine and able to be themselves, chatting online can enhance the process of getting to know someone. This is why so many romantic relationships start online now. But what about the weirdos who flood the Net? You will inevitably come across a lot of them. They are likely to hang out in spaces where they might find instant gratification. Apps are convenient, so if convenience is what you’re looking for, have at it, but if you’re not, don’t be surprised when you find people looking for hookups. In your youth, you probably dated someone because you thought he or she was cute, and that was all it took. Things become a little more complex as you mature. Relationships take more effort than a swipe on your touchscreen. And even if you find someone who makes your solar plexus dance, lasting love needs time to grow.

It is important to remember that romantic love in itself does not a relationship make, and sometimes love ends. And above all, we mustn’t forget that there are different kinds of love, all of which are important, beautiful, and life-altering. We should never forget about how much we love our family members, friends, and ourselves. If you aren’t finding Mr. or Miss Right, don’t panic—call up someone you haven’t spoken to for a while, someone who makes you laugh, someone who makes you think about things that are more important than whether some dude you’re not even sure you like is going to ask you out again. Spend quality time with those people. Take care of yourself by doing something that gives you pleasure. When we nurture all the loves in our lives, we will be better prepared to build all the types of relationships we want.