Apparently May is International Masturbation Month, and May 7 specifically was International Masturbation Day! To mark the occasion, the contributors to the digital platform Feminism in India had a Twitter discussion using the hashtag #WomenAreCumming. This was a pretty bold move, as women’s sexuality and self-love remain taboo. I’ve written on the subject several times (e.g., here, here, and here), and whenever it is relevant to what I write or discuss with people, I don’t shy away from affirming that I am a sexual being. Why should I? Since sex is integral to creating life, sexuality must be a fundamental part of being human (asexuals exempted).
I believe that women who admit to having sexual desires and enjoying having them fulfilled represent a threat. Most of us are controlled and confined by a stifling patriarchal system that views us as property. I grew up in a matriarchal environment, so the rules were different. This matriarchal bubble burst when I moved to India. For years, I had been putting “N/A” under “Father’s Name” on my visa application, and no one at the consulate was bothered. But the authorities in India are different. After landing a job, I had to apply for a PAN card. My father had never had a relationship with me; in fact, I’d never met the man. I knew his first name, but had never felt the need to ask about his surname. So, at age 27, I awkwardly had to approach my mother about this. Not only did I have to include my father’s name on the PAN card application; the application was rejected because our surnames didn’t match! It was a nuisance, both for me and for the person in Administration who had to write a letter explaining why my surname wasn’t the same as my father’s, so my second application would be approved. And when I received my PAN card, there was my father’s name displayed prominently—a name that doesn’t even feature on my birth certificate!
So, my very identity was questioned—how can a woman be single and not bear her father’s name? Unheard of. Prior to this, I had indirectly encountered patriarchal ideas via my mother, such as those about the importance of a girl’s modesty. When I was a kid, and especially in the summer, I would happily sit around the house in my underwear. But when my breasts started to develop, my mother instructed me to put a shirt on, making me feel like I had something to be ashamed of. Until then, I hadn’t thought there was any reason to be ashamed of my body. It’s not as if I was disrobing in public and strutting around in my briefs.
In regard to masturbation, I think I was a late bloomer. Although I distinctly recall the first times I felt that stirring in my pants, I don’t remember doing anything about it until I was well into my teens. I also don’t remember if masturbation was part of “the talk” my mother had had with me; I suspect not. That wasn’t a topic that ever came up in our house. I didn’t feel any shame. On the contrary, the whole thing just felt natural. My only anxiety was about the prospect of being caught and having to suffer the consequent embarrassment (thankfully, that didn’t happen).
Not surprisingly, since men traditionally dominated science, little was known about female sexuality until—let’s be honest—fairly recently. Basically, women have always been a problem, because the people in charge of everything have been baffled by us, and this has caused fear. The entire concept of hysteria—considered a mental illness—is linked to femininity. Expressing a variety of emotions means mental instability.
Right here in India, we have a current example that this belief is alive and well. Award-winning, popular actress Kangana Ranaut has been in the news lately, not for her work in Indian cinema but for her past relationships—one of which the man alleges was all in her head. Another ex has alleged that she was practising some kind of black magic that freaked him out. We, the public, don’t know what happened or what these people are really like. What we do know is that Kangana has always been outspoken and consistently shows that she lives on her own terms. She gave a rather impressive interview with Barkha Dutt a few days ago, in which she declared that it doesn’t bother her to be called a “whore” or a “bitch” or even a “psychopath.” This is how it works: If a woman is unapologetically sexually active, she’s a “slut,” and if she expresses herself, especially in response to being hurt, she’s a “psycho.”
My takeaway from this is that women should be seen and not heard, but not seen too much, because that will result in shame. Moreover, as many women know, you can be branded a “slut” if you deny a man his right to have sex with you (or even sexually harass you) and also if you do sleep with him and admit to it. It’s an exhausting no-win proposition. Although many are trying to dispel the myth that there are only two types of women, the madonna–whore binary still exists. The best approach is to be like Kangana and just not care what anyone thinks about you.
Psychologists have moved on from regarding woman as not-man; everyone else must abandon defining everything about women in relation to men.
This returns us to the subject of masturbation. Truth be told, I’ve always advocated that people partake in a little self-love (sometimes causing them to clutch their pearls, so to speak). It serves many functions beyond sexual gratification. It can alter your mood in a positive way, increase your comfort with your body, help you sleep, relieve headaches and, for women, offer some respite from menstrual cramps. And if you’re going to choose that last option, you really can’t have hang-ups about your body. Just relax and wash your hand(s) afterwards! As Kangana Ranaut said, there is nothing gross about a woman’s bodily fluids. It’s really not a big deal. But becoming intimately acquainted with yourself is a big deal. It enables you to make yourself feel good (something you’re taught others are supposed to do for you) and teaches you more about sex than you’ll learn from someone else, who isn’t familiar with the nuances of your unique body and your particular tastes. I hear anti-feminists saying all the time that men and women are different—okay, we agree on something! So, let’s think of women only in terms of themselves and not as counterparts to men or as a conjuring of the male imagination. We can start by understanding the female body and women’s desires.
Happy Masturbation Month! It means more than you might think.
Image courtesy Angela Ferrao (https://www.facebook.com/Ferraodesigns/)
I believe that women who admit to having sexual desires and enjoying having them fulfilled represent a threat. Most of us are controlled and confined by a stifling patriarchal system that views us as property. I grew up in a matriarchal environment, so the rules were different. This matriarchal bubble burst when I moved to India. For years, I had been putting “N/A” under “Father’s Name” on my visa application, and no one at the consulate was bothered. But the authorities in India are different. After landing a job, I had to apply for a PAN card. My father had never had a relationship with me; in fact, I’d never met the man. I knew his first name, but had never felt the need to ask about his surname. So, at age 27, I awkwardly had to approach my mother about this. Not only did I have to include my father’s name on the PAN card application; the application was rejected because our surnames didn’t match! It was a nuisance, both for me and for the person in Administration who had to write a letter explaining why my surname wasn’t the same as my father’s, so my second application would be approved. And when I received my PAN card, there was my father’s name displayed prominently—a name that doesn’t even feature on my birth certificate!
So, my very identity was questioned—how can a woman be single and not bear her father’s name? Unheard of. Prior to this, I had indirectly encountered patriarchal ideas via my mother, such as those about the importance of a girl’s modesty. When I was a kid, and especially in the summer, I would happily sit around the house in my underwear. But when my breasts started to develop, my mother instructed me to put a shirt on, making me feel like I had something to be ashamed of. Until then, I hadn’t thought there was any reason to be ashamed of my body. It’s not as if I was disrobing in public and strutting around in my briefs.
In regard to masturbation, I think I was a late bloomer. Although I distinctly recall the first times I felt that stirring in my pants, I don’t remember doing anything about it until I was well into my teens. I also don’t remember if masturbation was part of “the talk” my mother had had with me; I suspect not. That wasn’t a topic that ever came up in our house. I didn’t feel any shame. On the contrary, the whole thing just felt natural. My only anxiety was about the prospect of being caught and having to suffer the consequent embarrassment (thankfully, that didn’t happen).
Not surprisingly, since men traditionally dominated science, little was known about female sexuality until—let’s be honest—fairly recently. Basically, women have always been a problem, because the people in charge of everything have been baffled by us, and this has caused fear. The entire concept of hysteria—considered a mental illness—is linked to femininity. Expressing a variety of emotions means mental instability.
Right here in India, we have a current example that this belief is alive and well. Award-winning, popular actress Kangana Ranaut has been in the news lately, not for her work in Indian cinema but for her past relationships—one of which the man alleges was all in her head. Another ex has alleged that she was practising some kind of black magic that freaked him out. We, the public, don’t know what happened or what these people are really like. What we do know is that Kangana has always been outspoken and consistently shows that she lives on her own terms. She gave a rather impressive interview with Barkha Dutt a few days ago, in which she declared that it doesn’t bother her to be called a “whore” or a “bitch” or even a “psychopath.” This is how it works: If a woman is unapologetically sexually active, she’s a “slut,” and if she expresses herself, especially in response to being hurt, she’s a “psycho.”
My takeaway from this is that women should be seen and not heard, but not seen too much, because that will result in shame. Moreover, as many women know, you can be branded a “slut” if you deny a man his right to have sex with you (or even sexually harass you) and also if you do sleep with him and admit to it. It’s an exhausting no-win proposition. Although many are trying to dispel the myth that there are only two types of women, the madonna–whore binary still exists. The best approach is to be like Kangana and just not care what anyone thinks about you.
Psychologists have moved on from regarding woman as not-man; everyone else must abandon defining everything about women in relation to men.
This returns us to the subject of masturbation. Truth be told, I’ve always advocated that people partake in a little self-love (sometimes causing them to clutch their pearls, so to speak). It serves many functions beyond sexual gratification. It can alter your mood in a positive way, increase your comfort with your body, help you sleep, relieve headaches and, for women, offer some respite from menstrual cramps. And if you’re going to choose that last option, you really can’t have hang-ups about your body. Just relax and wash your hand(s) afterwards! As Kangana Ranaut said, there is nothing gross about a woman’s bodily fluids. It’s really not a big deal. But becoming intimately acquainted with yourself is a big deal. It enables you to make yourself feel good (something you’re taught others are supposed to do for you) and teaches you more about sex than you’ll learn from someone else, who isn’t familiar with the nuances of your unique body and your particular tastes. I hear anti-feminists saying all the time that men and women are different—okay, we agree on something! So, let’s think of women only in terms of themselves and not as counterparts to men or as a conjuring of the male imagination. We can start by understanding the female body and women’s desires.
Happy Masturbation Month! It means more than you might think.
Loved the way you connected the subject to the current news :) Kudos! Happy Masturbation Month to you too! I enjoyed reading this
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